A noise outside my window, and Portal is the best thing that ever happened to me.

Jesus Christ, I think the Earth's sound card is corrupted. It's like twenty fucking degrees out, and I've got an industrial fan running to try and drown out this noise that I think is a lawn mower, and a car alarm, and a baby getting pounded by a sledgehammer all at the same time. Christ.

I'm taking an Econ course this semester. And a poli-sci course. And of course a nonfiction writing course. Also I have a job at the Haloween store (which is technically a lingerie shop, which is still a step up from, say, a porn shop), where I spend all my free hours. Why would I ever do this? I hate doing work.

Oh, but I do so love money.

And Haloween.

And this bitchin' mp3 player and headphone combo I just picked up.



But that's enough about that; now let's get down to a more serious matter. You all have known me for some time, now, so I think it's only appropriate that you all are the first to know: I am running for the Presidential Office in 2008. I know, I know, it seems a bit late to announce it, but the playing field seems ripe for a new contestant, and I think I've got a real shot at this. I've already ordered up a companion cube as my running mate, and as we speak I've got posters being printed out by the hundreds: Rob, '08: Putting the sexy back in power.

Now naturally, what I hope will be the key to victory will be keeping my campaigning platform clear and concise, none of this jerking the public around with political jargon bullshit. It would be unacceptable if, as a hopeful leader of the country, I made a practice of deliberately baffling the public with confusing and unnecessarily verbose words like "consolidate," or "economy." So the pitch? "The other candidates are all dicks. Especially Hillary."

Eh? Now is that clever, or is that just plain sly? It's clear enough to connect with the common everyman, yet thought-provoking and controversial enough to ignite thoughtful and meaningful discussion.

Of course, we all know that campaign platforms mean nothing, and that I'm going to win by virtue of fairy tales and lies. What really matters is what I plan to do when I'm in the office, and since I trust you guys, I'll give you a little glance at the "coming attractions."

First off, I'm going to cut off the secret CIA prisons. With that out of the way, I'll have valuable CIA resources at my disposal, to start my true plan: I'm going to pick at random a family living out in the Midwest, and have CIA agents tail their 8 year old son for months. Every time he litters, every time he pushes a girl at his school, every last transgression, no matter how trivial, will be reported back to me. And then, come next November, I'm going to stand up in front of the cameras on live national television, and deliver this message:

"Bobby Myers, who lives on 15 Jonas avenue, Ohio. Can you hear my, Bobby? I hope you're listening, because I've been watching you, and you've been a bad boy, Bobby. Yes you have. Why, this week alone, when you threw away your can of Sprite, you watched it bounce out of the trash can, but did you go pick it up and put it back in, Bobby? No, no you didn't. You thought no one was watching you, and so you just walked away. And it doesn't end there, does it, Bobby who lives on Jonas Street in Columbus Ohio? How about just yesterday, when you lied to your mother about playing World of Warcraft instead of doing your homework? Did you really think you would get away with that, Bobby? Did you think that know one would know? Well guess what, Bobby. I know. And do you know who else knows? Santa. That's right, Bobby, Santa and I have been discussing your behavior lately, and frankly? We're both appalled. Disgusted, really. So much so, that Santa doesn't even know if it's worth leaving the North Pole this year, and you know what? I don't blame him. and in fact, I'm making the decision for him: There will be no Christmas this year. That's right: I'm canceling Christmas."

And then I will step off the podium before the press can ask me any questions about Iraq.

But there's more to this ploy than just avoiding irritating questions, of course! You didn't think I would cancel Christmas just to avoid a potentially awkward or even slightly uncomfortable press conferrence, would you? No, my plans are far greater than that: I plan on projecting the pent up frustration, anger, and hatred of America all on the Midwest, ultimately to gain support for my secret "Horseshoe America" plan, which I'll reveal shortly thereafter: To keep the East and Western coasts of the United States, along with Texas and Louisiana and the other Southern states, and lease out the middle of the country to china, everything between Illinois and Canada. The rent money would pay off the National Debt, the Midwest isn't ours anymore, and China brings all our outsourced jobs techinically back into the country. Everybody wins.

Oh, and also I'm going to Drill Alaska dry of oil, and then trade it out of the Union and establish Puerto Rico as a state, so that we can get Puerto Rico but still have 50 states, so we won't need to change the flag.



By the way, some of you assholes need to message me up on TF2, so's I can shoot you in the face. And by "shoot you in the face" I clearly mean "run at you with fire until I explode," because I suck very much at TF2. I got a kill once. It was with a turret. It was cool.