Why Are Goblins Such Dicks?

A Lecture On The Recent Proposal By The Committee of Social Welfare
Professor Fox

The breadth of Goblin atrocities are well known, and have sparked a recent proposal by the Committee of Social Welfare to enact an aggressive response program, inspiringly coined the "Repression of Evil" Act.

Before, however, the public is swayed by melodramatic wording and passionate rhetoric, I propose that the "Goblin Problem" has far more complex routes than incorrigible Goblin nature, and merits further analysis.

Goblins are, undeniably, savage and straightforward by nature, but they are not naturally lawless. To the contrary, they thrive under a very strict central government. The Goblin King, it should be noted, is consistently elected by merit of being the cleverest of the Goblins, a merit that in spite of the simple nature of Goblins as a whole, should not be taken lightly.

If, however, the Goblin King is so clever, why then does he allow the Goblins to continue in such rapacious activities as are inevitably going to elicit retribution, especially from such far stronger nations as our own?

The offhand answer has always been that the Goblin King does not have enough control over his subjects to repress their basic nature. I contend that this is not so. Though rarely acknowledged, case studies from as many as three decades ago have proven the Goblins' unerring loyalty to their king, and present research only continues to confirm this stance. The answer to this basic question, then may not be as straightforward as is commonly believed.

To answer it, I turn to basic economics. As has been proven time and time again, Goblins possess, amongst the bulk of them, a crude and simple nature - and their products are made in kind. What's more, "investment" is a concept beyond most of the race, creating a stagnant climate for innovation. There is no such thing as a "high quality" Goblin product, and demand for Goblin goods on a global scale is rare.

By contrast, Goblins' simple nature makes them an ideal market for foreign investment. Possessing neither the propensity nor the patience to save their earnings, Goblins will buy without hesitation the first shiny bauble a foreign merchant dangles in front of them, as many of our own native firms will happily attest.

Which leads us to a basic conundrum. With capital constantly leaving the Goblin market to foreign trade, how can the Goblin economy subsist without an export market of their own? Without capital flowing back into the Goblin economy, it will quickly wither and die, which in turn will leave many of our own firms high and dry, bringing about severe market repercussions on our own economy. Yet the Goblin economy thrives. Capital must be coming in from somewhere - but if not from export, then where?

Which brings us, at last, to the well-known and much abhorred Goblin practice of kidnapping foreign children who wear shiny trinkets. What if it is not the case, as many believe, that Goblins specifically target children wearing trinkets simply because they are attracted to shiny objects? What if, instead, they do so because of the belief that trinkets denote familial wealth? It is well documented that in almost one hundred per cent of cases, the Goblins issue a ransom for kidnapped children before eating them. While undoubtedly a symptom of basic Goblin greed, I posit that this is also the sole source of foreign income upon which the Goblin economy - and by proxy, our own - relies for survival.

I therefore advise strongly against the proposed military action against the Goblins. If the Committee of Social Welfare is truly committed to the goals of social betterment, then it should not be pursuing means through which our own merchants will lose business. Rather, they should reallocate the proposed military budget for the "Repression of Evil" act, and turn it towards a far more productive mean; that is, establishing an aid fund to support families faced with Goblin ransom demands. Given the inevitable cycle of business, it would be nothing if not money well spent.

Professor ASL Fox, 10/18/07

----------------
Now playing: Various Artists - I'm Not a Killer - Evil Dead: The Original Broadway Cast Album
via FoxyTunes