A mall, somewhere in America. Christmas time. The Toys For Tots foundation is having a celebrity fundraiser, so there's heightened security. A car pulls into the parking lot, and four humanoid figures all walk out - they're all tall, and have slightly long limbs and muscular builds, but they can pass for human because they're all wearing suits, sunglasses, and spray-on tans. They walk into the mall, and one of the security guards sees them and suspects something. He says something out of line, and the four figures get nervous - at this point, the sound fades out; only the occasional loud sound effect, such as an explosion or gunshot or scream, can be heard over what sound like news broadcasts: "Scenes of carnage today at palownia mall... allegations of terrorism...utter devestation... kidnapped a Salvation Army volunteer... and those of us left behind can only ask: Who would do something like this?" etcetera.
The figures pull out their bizzarre weaponry and start blasting away - security guards, mothers and children, celebreties, it's a well-choreographed, expensive special effected, awesome massacre - and in the middle of it, two of the figures jump, duck and army crawl up to the Salvation Army fundraiser "Santa", black-bag him, and drag him out during the retreat.
Somewhere in the North Pole:
The Fat Man and his wife - let's say Angilina Jolie; we need to sell this shit somehow - are in the kitchen; She is doing dishes while he reads over long sheets of paper. Suddenly, she goes "oh!" and becomes weak in the knees; he cries out in pain and stands up suddenly.
Ms. Claus: Nicholaus....
A pair of Gnomes burst in through the door.
Gnome 1: Sir! Are you alright?
Gnome 2: The whole camp felt it! What happened?
The fat man closes his eyes and concentrates. Slowly, he opens them again, a look of pain on his face.
Santa (Who has the voice of Optimus Prime): Micky Cohen, from the Salvation army.
A pause.
Ms. Claus: You're going, aren't you?
Santa: Micky is a good boy.
Gnome 1: But!
Santa: But nothing! (They all reel back from an anger they have never seen before.) When he donned that suit, he entered a sacred pact, a pact that would protect him while he did the work of Clause. That pact has been violated, and we have all felt the disturbance here. I cannot abandon him now.
Another pause.
Ms Claus: Whoever took him was after you. You'll be walking into a trap.
Santa: (nods) I know.
Gnomes 1&2: We'll look after him, Ms-
Santa: No. (They look up in shock.) This... disturbance makes me nervous. I have never seen anything like this before. I need you here. If anything happens... (he looks at Ms. Clause, then looks away) ...you know what to do.
The figures who took Micky drag him to an abandoned lot - abandoned, except for two children, who hide and watch what happens. It turns out, the figures are Martians - and they think they've kidnapped Santa Clause... until the real one shows up. Skullduggery happens, and the real Santa gets kidnapped along with Micky.
The children run off and try to tell the police what happened, but the cops laugh at them. The two nearby listening gnomes don't, however, and listen carefully to what the children have to say.
On the craft, it becomes clear that the martians kidnapped Santa for a reason: they're planning an invasion, and by kidnapping the beloved children's figure, they have broken Earth's morale backbone. Moreover, they plan to brainwash him so he can support the martian troops suring the upcoming war. While they're in the ship, Santa gives Mickey a "gift" - a guitar. The martians on the ship let him keep it on account of it's only an instrument.
Back on earth, things are happening. The gnomes went to the Pentagon, and an elite rescue team is being assembled. for the journey. To mars. Via reindeer-drawn sled. But one member is missing...
New York. Or Philledalphia, or Baltimore, it doesn't really matter... some large city. A man - Clive Owen... yes. He's trying to enjoy a hotdog, when he notices he's being tailed by two men in suits - he bolts, but just when he thinks he's lost him, he runs into an old acquaintance. They have a terse conversation, which makes it clear that he used to be part of an elite squad, and he used to be one of the best. He refuses to join at first, and the conversation gets awkward... until they walk past a gathering - news of Santa's gathering has broken out, and in front of some window with a television in it, broadcasting the news of Santa's capture by martians, the recovery team being assembled, and hey by the way, Martians exist! Crazy! The gathering is mostly children, and they're singing "silent night."
"You see?" Says the man trying to convince Clive Owen to join the team. "This isn't about you, or the team. This isn't about America. This isn't about one more goddamn rescue mission. It's about the children." Clive Owen silently stares at the gathering, contemplating.
Back in the pentagon, he walks in, to general clamour of "you're late." He's introduced to the rest of the team - Arnold Schwarzenagger, The Rock, and that guy who plays Leonidas. Probably some extras, too, for cannon-fodder. It's... it's a big sled. The bag ususally takes up most of the space.
Back on Mars - which apparantly has oxygen, or something, because Mickey and Santa can both breathe... I guess that's explained in this scene. Also! They take Santa away. For the brainwashing. And that sucks. And they leave Mickey in the cell, for execution later. And he's sitting there, and that's sucking, and he's playing his guitar, and he power-chords out of frustration - releasing a burst of energy from the neck of the guitar which blasts open the door to the cell.
Now we have some stealth scenes, he's running through the complex, strumming a little tune. For the most part, he's Solid Snake-ing it through, but every once in a while someone spots him and he blasts them, just to use up our budget. He wonders why he's running into so little security, until he gets outside:
The entire complex is on red alert, and anti-aircraft lazers are trying to blast a sled out of the sky - but bitches can't touch Santa's sleigh, and it lands near Mickey. The team get out, rendezvous, learn that there's enough oxygen for everyone played by a famous actor to take off their helmets, and split out to find Santa.
And they are vicious, psychotic motherfuckers to the last one of them. A few extras die, but whatevs. Clive owen strafes in, uzi in either hand, blasting away; Schwarzenagger's got, like, fucking, a cybernetic arm, or some shit, and he tears open the facility doors, while The Rock blasts away at the complex sentry guns with a shoulder-mounted RPG. Leonidas runs up and clotheslines some fools and screams at them until they die. And Mickey's right behind them, the only unsure one of the group, and the only one not laughing his ass off or grinning psychotically as he murders - murders Martians left and right by blasting him with his guitar.
And it is a slaughter, too. Martians die. We'll probably throw on some up-beat track as they just execute martians left and right. We're talking Nuremberg trials for war crimes and genocide. And then... Santa emerges. But all is not right... he looks sick, and his eyes are terrifying. And now everyone's out of ammo, and has to run in. He swats the rock aside like a bad joke, and shoulder-rushes Schwarzenagger, who then flies back and into a pillar. He grabs Leonidas with one hand, and throws him into Mickey. Then he grabs Clive Owen by the throat, and starts to strangle him.
Meanwhile, the martians have found The Sleigh. One of them runs out, and hooks up what is clearly an explosive to it. Then he runs back to cover. The ride home is lost.
In the background, tripods and giant space cruizers are drawing near to the scene.
Back to Santa strangling Clive Owen, everything's pretty fucked up. And just as Clive's starting to black out, he hears a sound - Santa, too - it's Mickey, playing the chords of "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" on the guitar. He starts singing the words, tentatively at first, but picking up as he goes along. Then, the others join in. And they're terrible at it. But they're singing, and Santa lets up on Owen's throat - just a little bit. Then, something wonderful happens - we pan up, and then fade to children on Earth joining in. And we fade between countries - yes they're even singing the English version in goddamned Russia and Mexico on this one. Or okay, maybe the Mexicans can sing it in Spanish, but they're still following the tune, and you can figure out what they're saying. And we cut to the North Pole, where the gnomes and Halle Berry are also singing.
And to the tune of everyone on Earth singing the christmas carol, we come back to Santa's sleigh - which has not blown up. Timidly, the would-be saboteur comes out to check, and lo! all the wires have been cut. He walks back into the room where all his buddies were - and! They've all been horribly dismembered. Brutally. And the door slams behind the martian - he runs to it, but someone has slipped steel through the handles and twisted it shut. He tries to turn and run, but from out of the shadows, something hits him - we see for just a flash that it's one of the extras that was on the sliegh. The martian draws his laser, and something rolls across the floor - it's the helmet the extra was wearing. The martian fires wildly into the shadows from whence it came, and then takes several timid steps towards the shadows. Then a few more, a little bolder. Then, a little bolder, a few more. Then he stops, and his face twists into pure, sheer, martian terror, as Chuck Norris steps out of the shadows.
Back to Santa, (with "We Wish You" still being sung by everyone on Earth, but pulled back so we can hear the awful, awful singing of the assembled party.) Chuck Norris walks through the door, both hands dripping with green Martian blood. He joins in the carol, and that finishes it. Claus wakes up, the mind control broken. And he is pissed.
He grabs a martian flag, makes a sack out of it, then puts a few rocks into it. Then he pulls gifts out of his makeshift "bag", new guns for everyone, and some giant fucking amps for Mickey. Then the gang slaughter mars. Micky rocks the fuck out, and some metal plays throughout the scene. Owen, The Rock, and Leonidas take off on foot; Schwarzenagger, Norris, and Claus take to the skies: Santa drives, Schwartzenagger shoots, and Norris jumps onto Martian ships, breaks in, slaughers the crew, flies the ship into a tripod, and jumps out back onto the sleigh. Santa occasionally does the same, or drops supplies down to the ground team with some "HO HO HOs". Mickey jams the fuck out and occasionally vaporizes a Martian craft with the power of Rock, and finally he strikes the final chord as explosions go up all around mars from... fucking nukes that Earth launched that hit everywhere except the precise spot they're in, because they took exactly the amount of time it took for that spot to rotate itself to be opposite from Earth.
Fuck yes.
You feel that? Running through you? Reading this has just made you more of a man. Embrace it. Except the ladies, you might wanna try and sleep this one off. Or not; if that's your thing then feel free to join the men in "Name That Blockbuster!," the reader-participation game where you try to come up with a better name for this movie than the working title I've got, which I'm sure is like "blood on Mars" or something stupid like that.
And you have so many themes to work with! Kringle! Red! The red of his jacket and also of blood on the red planet! Slaughter and christmas! There are so many possiblities! Go!
I have a few documents I need to share with some buddies for a collaborative project I'm working on, which is not this with the Santa and also less important than the Santa. But still important to me. And I'm fucking tired of our outdated, bullshit, email back-and-forth system. Where can I store a small amount (Edit: <1gig! , that wasn't what I meant at all.) of files for a few people to be able to read and edit privately (without anybody not us being able to read / claim copyright because we stored it on their server) without having to buy my own server?
