ZOMBIE HUNTER EXECUTES JUNKIE CANNIBAL CULT, CLAIMS "INNOCENT MISTAKE"

Rob Provencher

Summerfield, Fl

"If it looks like a zombie, smells like a zombie, and eats like a zombie, shoot it in the head." That's the position of Jericho Hemlock, Zombie Hunter and self proclaimed Sword of God. Mr. Hemlock was arrested this past Thursday on charges of breaking and entering, and multiple counts of first-degree murder. "When you're confronted with that situation," he explained in a closed interview, "you make a judgement call and you run with it. You don't have time to second guess."

According to the report, Mr. Hemlock broke into the Summerfield Church basement early Thursday night, barging into the mass of the Union of Satan's Fang [USF], a cult that meets in the church basement every Thursday to inject heroin and eat human flesh as part of a religious ritual. Patrolling officers who were in the area arrived at the scene moments later, responding to reports of gunshots, and found Jericho midway through "cleansing" the scene, a seemingly Obsessive-Compulsive cleaning ritual that involves a great deal of bleach and fire. The District Attorney is attempting to bring charges of arson and destruction of evidence against Hemlock, though he claims that the "cleansing" was merely a preventative measure to keep the contamination from spreading.

Jericho is a member of the Holy Order of the Crying Cross -- usually abbreviated to The Order of the Crying Cross or the OCC -- a religious sect supposedly started by professor Abraham Van Helsing, who slew Dracula. The OCC's intent was to continue the work of Professor Van Helsing, both in the academic field of studying hell-spawned creatures and where they come from, and in the practical field of exterminating them. According to Hemlock, he was "just doing his duty" Thursday night when he entered the church basement and encountered "a mass of incoherent once-humans with bloodshot eyes, halfway through devouring the body of a man."

Police reports confirm that the revolver Jericho was found carrying had been used to shoot all seventeen members of the UCF in the head, as well as the half-eaten pile of intestines in the center of the room (later identified as Bob Haselkoff, 31, reported missing three days before the incident).

Jericho admits to the shootings, though he denies the murder charges, claiming that he thought they were already dead dead when he arrived. "I thought they were zombies. They were drugged up and eating a cadaver, all available evidence pointed to that conclusion. Under the circumstances, I did what I had to."

The defense is currently preparing a case that, because the USF members were on heroin and acting in a demonstrably aggressive manor, Jericho could have been acting in self defense. "It's not a lot," said Jericho's lawyer Ronnie Cheng, "But while you know and I know that if the USF had been zombies, and he hadn't acted so decisively this whole city'd be overrun and quarantined right now, the Prosecution's not going to let up unless we come up with a more traditional defense. Given the circumstances, I think we may settle out with a self-defense sentence and a small fine for the breaking and entering."

But human rights groups are up in arms, calling for the full force of the law. "Simply looking like a zombie does not automatically forfeit your right to live." Says Rich Davis, spokesperson for the United Kin organization. "We may not have agreed with what the USF was doing, but they were people, not corpses, and this madman should be put away for the execution of eighteen people." (The prosecution can only charge Jericho with seventeen counts of murder, however, as the coroner's report concludes that Haselkoff's mass of organs was dead long before Jericho shot it.) "Moreover,the USF represented a small but vibrant piece of human culture, and now with the Summerfield branch dead and the rest -- if they still exist -- driven into hiding by fear, I'm afraid that Hemlock has destroyed that piece of culture forever. It's such a shame."

Other watch groups offer a much grimmer interpretation of what happened. "The Union of Satan's Fang was a rival cult, plain and simple." Says Mary Spellen, head of the Summerfield neighborhood watch. "The USF was gaining a little bit of power in this neighborhood, and the OCC snuffed it out in a display of brutality and violence more typical of criminal gangs than any religious order."

But many Summerfield residents agree with Hemlock's gun-ho approach, and support for Jericho's release has produced a petition for his acquittal. "I think what Hemlock and the OCC are doing is a service for all humanity," says one local woman. "It's not like they're only saving Christians, or only saving the rich like some other cults. They put their lives on the line to protect all mankind from these monsters, and I don't think we should stand in the way of that."

"Frankly," says another local man, "if you're drugged up and eating people, you're just asking for it."

A closed-casket memorial service for Bob Haselkoff will be held this Sunday.