Suck on this, Freud

I had a dream last night.

Before I go on about that, though, I want to make sure we're all on the same page. So we're clear: I get super excited whenever I get a dream. I don't know if it's the insomnia or the insanity or what, but I only ever get about one a year. Before tonight's, lats night's, whatever, I only remember two.

From two years ago: I was sitting outside, on my back porch, and all of my pals were there. The grill was up, we had hot dogs cooking or a barbecue going, or something... and we chat around and chilled and chatted and smoked.

And that was it.

Last years? Finally, finally, I got one: Zombie Apocalypse. I never fucking get zombie or vampire dreams, I've always wanted one, and last year, I finally got it: The newsmen were screaming on the television --"Zombie Apocalypse is HERE" "Do not attempt to rescue your loved ones!" "Stay in your houses and lock your doors" "If you see one of the enemy, do not make contact" "The End Is Extremely Fucking Nigh" -- and so on. So I got up. I walked into my basement. I walked into my zombie shelter. And I shut the door behind me.

There was enough water and food. Nothing went wrong. I waited it out and everything was chill. Nothing went wrong.






The entry isn't over, I just want you to take a minute to dwell on that.





Okay, good? Well now you can see why I'd be so eager for this year's shot. At this point, I could raise my track record by having a dream about cutting off my foot with a bandsaw.

I did not cut off my own foot with a bandsaw. Instead, I had a dream that was clearly influenced by watching too much anime.

Which has nothing at all to do with whatever you're thinking of. I did not have a six foot long magical sword. I could not cast magic. I couldn't shoot fireballs or fly. I couldn't even catch 'em all. Nope. Instead, every woman who has ever been in my life decided, on the same day, that they were going to act on their suppressed lifelong attraction for me. Friends. Friends' girlfriends. My elementary school teachers, one of whom it turns out is actually really hot, so goddammit, I guess. But yeah. Every female influence in my life.

And boy, was there drama. Oh my god. My fourth grade teacher - the hot one - was doing some heavy campaigning and scheming to get me away from the other girls, and good old Rachel from the coffeeshop, I think she may have killed someone, god bless her. Some classmates were just going at it like cats, and oh, you know who else was stirring up trouble? My girlfriend. Yes, even in my subconscious, every single person I knew waited until I was no longer single to reveal their lifelong crush.

So how did it all play out? Who won? Did any of the girls have enough character and savagery to beat out all the other girls for my attention? Did I just settle for the annoying female lead? Or - how 'bout this, -did I stay faithful to my girlfriend even in this time of adversity? Well not technically, no. (~Scandalous!~)

I lasted for four hours before I drove myself off a bridge.